Breaking

Today as I sat on the bathroom floor crying from frustration, I sat there repeating in my head "I quit, I quit, I quit!" I even tried talking myself into packing a bag and going "Home" for the weekend, home as in my mommys house....Balling my eyes out, feeling depressed, overwhelmed, not good enough, feeling like a bad mom, feeling like I'm raising the screaming devil,  somewhere for my first time through this depressing day GOD popped up in my head. Somehow, he made me think of even worse times in my life. As I looked back on them, remembering myself at the lowest point, getting hand fulls of cash that I worked hard for, 3 jobs while pregnant, hard for, trying to support myself, and not succeeding because drug  money was more important. More important that our child! No I never did drugs, that's not who I was. But I did support it....I chose to provide drugs for someone versus buying groceries. Having a gun to my head at 2 months pregnant, having family members and friends try talking me into abortion, or adoption....Sorry, that wasn't me! As god brought those not so good memories back, it made me thankful, made me so thankful I was even enlightened for sitting on the bathroom floor while my toddler whines and kicks while sitting on the potty. I sat in the bathroom looking into the messy kitchen, noticing the food that hadn't even been touched yet. Noticing the microwave! Noticing tons of things I didn't have for only 8 short months.....but seems a lifetime. Making me ten times more grateful for these possessions now. Making me grateful, that the baby that was inside my tummy when I was 2 months pregnant received a mommy AND a daddy, no not both birth parents are in the picture...but at least we are both a live. Being thankful, for the first time in my life I made a life decision to keep my baby. I even was thankful for not having the best dad. Thankful he was an alcoholic. Because if it wasn't for the hell I went through as a child with his alcohol abuse, and his depression and his coldness toward me.....I wouldn't be the mother I am today, which is everything I wanted as a child. Everything I wanted from my father growing up, I make sure Sophia has. Whether I'm providing it for her or whether Andy is providing it for her, Sophia is one fortunate little girl. Sophia has one strong mother, only because of Sophia's grandpa! It's bitter sweet. But what if I didn't go through what I did, would I be this loving of a parent, would I know how to parent? Would I strive to be the parent I never had? For the first time in my life, I'm thanking my daddy. I'm thanking my baby-daddy. I'm grateful for my rough patches in life. I'm grateful for god! As I got up from the bathroom floor, wiped my tears, I went and read my devotional for the day,which couldn't have been on Que any more perfect! And even though i'm still having a bad day, I'm grateful. For everyone, for everything, for bad decisions, for the lessons learned, for faith,for Andy, for family, for daddies, for potty training, for terrible two's, messy kitchens and for bathroom floors!
AMEN!

She's her own kind of Beautiful!

Rewind to May of 2011.
I was living on my own, in Jamestown. Not living a wonderful life.
I was working 2 job, and going crazy.
I peed on 6 pregnancy tests that all read positive, I got dirty, dirty looks from the nurse at my doctors office(who was my grandmothers friend) all because I was pregnant. I was turning 21 in December..Like get over it lady. I understand my age doesn't define weather my pregnancy was right or not...But there's worse things out there. In July I found out the baby has a "vulva" the doctor called it, which minutes later I read " It's a Girl" across my sonogram picture! (cause who knew what a frickin VULVA was!? oh yeah, everyone but me!)
I got a second apartment with Andy in October and it was absolutely perfect!( Don't remind me)
I had Sophia on January 13th and Andy stood by my side the ENTIRE time. From day one everyone knew Sophia would soon be a "Pullan". She came out with Blonde Hair blue eyes....Wait What!? I pictured her the ENTIRE pregnancy with brown, CURLY, CURLY hair and big brown eyes!.....and lots o hair!
But lets face it, she was bald....an looked just like her dad. It made me cry at times, she looked nothing like a Dickerson, nothing like me. Not even her smile, her fingers or her toes, she even has a birthmark like her sperm donor....and I cried.
Every day I pondered "what if she turns out like him"?
"Her personality is going to be just like "his"!
"What if she has a temper?"
"What if its just runs in the family for her to be addicted to drugs?"
"What if she hates me"
"What if she hates Andy"
"What if she would rather be with him"
Things like this crossed my mind..every day, and it SUCKED!
But let me tell you, I've prayed since before I had her that she would be like me, that she would have my personality, have my eyes, my smile, my walk, my voice, my everything, and even though once and a while I see parts of me in her and parts of her biological dad in her...Shes completely her own person. Sophia is crazy,cute,smart,hyper,calm,photogenic,playful, independent, loving, and the MOST caring toddler I have ever met...And quite frankly I really can't take credit for it! She teaches herself, she watches EVERYONE. She picks up on absolutely everything! Everyday she has accomplished something new. Already, at the age of 2 she has mother instincts like non other! I can't even say I was as good of a mother that she is to her baby dolls! (minus dropping them on the floor when shes ready to move on to a different toy, but you get the point) She LOVES shopping!...She constantly asks to go to the mall, not even to buy anything, but just to walk around. She loves playing outside, and shes stubborn as heck at times..but she easily gives in and listens to her parents, she obeys SO extremely well.....like how!?...and why!? I am SO thankful.
All in all, she is nothing like him, and hardly like me... Sophia is Sophia, and her own kind of beautiful!
I no longer thrive to make her like me, I no longer care, just simply because Sophia will be who she is based on how she is raised not by who here sperm donor is, and that I can't be more thankful for! I have no one to thank besides the Lord..

The deed is done!

The deed is done, and I finally feel selfless!

The day has come, the moment I have been waiting for, the moment SOPHIA has been waiting for....
Yes, I allowed it...Willingly.
Sophia met her biological father. I secretly took Sophia to her biological great grandmothers house for her blood father to see her. Under one very STRICT condition.......he was to not be on any drugs...none. Not even weed. (Usually weed doesn't bother me) But this being a very important day in Sophia's life, I wanted him to fully be there, not 70% there.
Any way, It went great while there. He interacted with her, she hated him, she screamed at him and yelled" mommy" the whole time...and then he introduced himself to her as "Carl".
That's when it stung.
I could have cried. I almost cried. I should have cried.... I sat there wondering "who introduces themselves to their OWN child by their first name?" and then I thought about it more.....it was a good thing, its better that way. She has a daddy. Sophia probably would have been confused. This whole situation is no fair to her. My baby girl!
As he tried holding her and as she screamed the more I felt like she had almost been abandoned. It probably was the worse feeling in my life. Realizing my baby girl doesn't need this confusion in her life.
I now can say I played my part, and it actually went well that night, and I left willing to allow him to see her more......Until, days later I found out he was on heroin!..not only ON heroin, but was totally on heroin THAT night he saw her too!
REALLY!?
Just for once in your life can you do whats right! I seriously wanted to run him over.
Over my dead body will someone be around my daughter while on drugs. I have FINALLY come to the realization that most drug abusers WILL always be the same. Take my father for example, he was an alcoholic my whole life. I HATED going home to him. I HATED having a father(not anymore). He has been clean since THE DAY SOPHIA WAS BORN!...but I have no doubt he will relapse...I don't tell him this, but, its just my gut feeling. Usually my gut feelings are pretty good when it comes to those kind of things:)
Relapsing is a total different thing then being a daily abuser. I can forgive for relapsing, I can not and will not forgive for being on drugs while around my daughter. I will NEVER put her in that situation again. I don't regret allowing him to see her or even meet her! BUT, I will not allow it again.
16 years from now, when Sophia asks why she has only met her sperm Donner once, and why he isn't in her life I PRAY so hard that she understands that he wasn't safe...(not that he ever really asks to see her anyways). I hope she also understands I tried EVERYTHING in my power to not put her in a situation where she will get hurt, and any situation that deals with her biological father will end in hurt. I just pray to god she understands and I thank god for giving me the courage to contact him myself, just so he could see her.
My job here is done.
We move on with our lives.
A lesson learned.
I no longer blame myself.
Counting down the days until her last name is Pullan!<3

Once a sinner, always a sinner.

Ya know that saying "Once a cheater always a cheater"?....I'm a believer of that saying, only I don't believe that necessarily means the cheater will always continue to cheat! I just think the cheater will always be classified as a cheater.
Does that make sense?
Anyways, I think this is the same with " Once a sinner, always a sinner".
Everyone's a sinner, weather you mean to be or not. And no sin is greater than another.

Lying is the same sin as having sex before marriage or doing drugs. Get the point?

I understand my sin, all of them, no....most of them. But I live with a certain sin everyday! And that's having Sophia. No, shes not my sin. and no I don't look at her and think....... "your my sin and you remind me of it everyday!".... No not at all.
But I do think about how God wanted me to wait till marriage, he doesn't want me living in sin EVERYDAY with Andy.
And that's what I would like to clarify. We have a family. Out of sin. But we ARE trying to fix that!
That's why we are getting married. We go to church every Sunday, to a church I actually ENJOY! With people I am close to!
God doesn't only come into conversation on Sundays in our home. We are RAISING our daughter with the Lord. Like we promised on April 20th of 2012 to the church as we dedicated Sophia!

Us, sinners.....dedicated Sophia at a church.
Us, sinners want to get married at OUR church. I can already tell you, there are a lot of people at church who don't approve of me...why? Cause they know my sin! It's pretty obvious. And for that.....they don't approve of what Andy is doing....(fathering Sophia, being my fiance).
Those Debbie Downers, who use my sin against me....your sinners too.... but I don't use that against you! Just because I don't know your sin, because you don't make it obvious, like mine is.....Its still no lower than mine. God clarifies in the bible many, many times, that no sin is greater FOR A REASON!

So since I sinned, I need to be legally married at a court house of some sort before I can have a wedding ceremony at the place I worship every Sunday, The place I was good enough to dedicate my daughter at. The place I'm good enough to use my free time and  participate at Vacation Bible School, The Dust of the Rabbi and be on Nursery Duty. My sin isn't used against me when it comes to those things......But when it comes to marriage.?

Do people think I like to live in sin everyday? That I don't want to fix it?
I do want to fix it!..or else I wouldn't be getting married, I wouldn't be waiting to have sex till I'm married! I want another child SO bad. But I know the right thing to do is WAIT TILL MARRIAGE!...and that's exactly what I'm doing!. If doing it the right way wasn't really what I wanted to do, I'd be pregnant again already!..sorry, but not sorry for telling the truth.
I Understand how people can be against my sin, at the same time I don't blame them. But my sin isn't who I AM!
But why its being held against me...I can't fathom.
What happened with forgiveness?

Even thought there are Debbie Downers, at the same time, there are tons of people who don't judge me or Andy. They don't ask questions. They accept me and notice that we are TRYING to do the right thing. And its because of those people, and friends, why I go to church.

Those other people I Thank You for that! And I am Thankful for their friendship, and welcoming arms that some people don't exactly have, just because of my past.



My questions is.......Since everyone is a sinner from DAY ONE, does everyone have to get married in the court house before they have a ceremony at a church? Or is it for a certain sin? (such as mine)
And if so, when did sin's start being classified?????



And will my sin always be used against me?

I know it's not my place to answer any of these questions I have, and I'm sure I'm not the first one to ask these.... Only God has the answers I suppose<3

Shinning Bright

This past weekend I attended a worship seminar, I guess you could call it. It was my first one, and I was nervous and had every single wall up possible. I was out of my comfort zone completely!  I love god, I love all that he does and all that he doesn't. I am a believer and I am just starting to enjoy attending church.....but this seminar,, at first, freaked me out! I don't like meeting new people AT ALL! My family has always had the wrong feelings about god,church, and heaven, so some of these feelings and relationships with the lord are all brand new to me... Come to find out, at this seminar, I don't think I even met one new person! (phew) That's my kinda day, so half way through I started to loosen up. I was traveling through the vending area by MYSELF (if anyone knows me knows I HATE being alone) I even participated in the basket raffle and WON my very first basket! WOOOOHOOO!
 The music was so loud, intimidating, and meaningful in what has been happening in my life that all I wanted to do was DANCE! I actually wanted to put my hands up to god, worship him like all those people in church service do. I've never wanted to do this before and I used to think its embarrassing, but Saturday.... I wanted to be a part of it!
I left with like 60 plus pounds off my shoulders. A brand new woman...A mom I have always WANTED to be, just didn't know how. I pray everyday that Sophia grows up knowing  god, with a relationship with him. I pray she turns to him during the good time AND the bad times in life. I pray that the decisions she makes in life all revolve around him......Saturday, I found the answer to my prayer. Praying isn't going to be the ONLY way she builds this relationship with him, but it starts with ME. God needs to be apart of the family more, we need to have him there 24/7, not only when we need him. I need to focus on praising him and worshiping him myself, in order to teach my daughter. I want her to look up to me while growing up, and seeing that mommy trusts, loves and workshops our father and so can she!
I also want her to be everything I wasn't...
There's no reason  for me not to like meeting new people. I want her to be social! Be that outgoing person people look up to. An independent woman, who can enjoy having time to herself and doing things by herself  unlike her mother. I strive for this!
But most of all, I pray EVERY DAY! that Sophia finds a soul mate, a soul mate who is as precious, loving, understanding, handsome, kind, FORGIVING, trusting, christian, devoted and as amazing as her father<3
...but this all starts with me.
Me, being the person to teach her these things, to guide her in life, and to show her whats out there. Me- being the person to allow her to know what she deserves!

I am her influence, and from now on I will be her influence with god on my shoulder.....and.she.will.understand.this.

I.am.being.the.best.I.can.be.

I'm doing it all for you.
You are my motivation.
You are my everything.

You are my addiction.
You make me strong.


Baby fever!
I am currently ready Mommywood, by Tori Spelling. Which I highly recommend....(when you bored)
But it makes me want another baby.
I want to be pregnant again! I loved being pregnant! I want to be pregnant 5 more times.....or maybe even more! I would even be a surrogant!  It was the most magical feeling ever, to have a little human in your tummy, kicking and wiggling around.. I especially miss the hic-ups!

If you would have asked me 3 years ago if I ever pictured myself wanting to be pregnant at 22 years of age to my SECOND child, I would have said something along the lines of are you "F bombing nuts"!....... But that was then....this is now. I want my second child. SO BAD!
But I'm waiting the have the Pullan's last name. I am 150% sure I WILL spend the rest of my life with this man I call my best friend. We've only been through practically everything together! No matter what happens, I still strive for him, I need him, I am addicted to him as if he is my drug. I never ever was a woman who ever needed a man..I hated man..they were all the same......But I am that woman now, who loves a man, who forgives a man, who needs a man....... I.am.in.love with ONE man...Andrew Pullan
God sent you into my life for one reason.....and that was for me to learn how to love.
without you I am nothing.

Why I didn't wait until I was married to you, only god knows. I wish temptation, and justice was non-existent.  
Those USED to be my weaknesses. I will do it right this time. God is showing me how. He still loves me, that's all that matters. You still love me, you are SO forgiving. She loves me forever & ever<3
If it wasn't for this littler girl, we wouldn't be in this life together, we wouldn't be able to handle everything we have been through. We wouldn't stand where we stand today, the Three of US.

You and her are what I live for<3


Thank.You.For.Everything.

Burden.

Burden much?

I am grateful for all the people who have excepted my daughter and I.

Its not her fault, its not Andy’s fault…. I take the blame 100%

Things could have been different.

Things should have been different.

Is this really what god wanted? For me to sin?

How can he make such a horrid sin, into such a blessing?

Why is my life coming together?…for the first time ever.

How is Andy so ok? So loving? So happy?

I can’t even explain to you how much he loves Sophia.

As his OWN!

How?

Why?

…..I wish she was his. Everyday I WISH. Maybe then I wouldn’t feel like a burden. To him, and his family.

I know I’m really not…..its just my thoughts every now and then.

I know this isn’t what his parents dreamed for his future.

To have a soul mate who had a baby with another man.. to have their son father a child that is not his. What parent would ever dream of that?

But they love me, & I love them, just as if they were my real family. They take me as I am. They call Sophia their grandbaby. I.am.blessed….