A guilty mind

Before Sophia was born everyday and almost every hour I sat alone,depressed, eager, and ashamed.
I was having a baby out of wedlock..
I became the black sheep of my grandmothers perfect little family.
Everybody knew about it, I didn't feel like keeping it a secret was appropiate.. And in the end ,yes, it was very possible! But! Telling everyone in my family about it I guess made my grandmother angry.... She,who picked out every little flaw in her sisters, brothers. And brother-in-laws life and family they now had the chance to dish it right back to her.. Thanks to me. I didn't live up to her "family expectations"

Her perfect glass house was now getting rocks thrown at it...big rocks!

Now in her eyes, I'm a slut, tramp, and a dumb bimbo. I have no morals.

At 3 or 4 months pregnant I had names picked out for my future baby.
Of course if it was a boy, everyone knew I would be namimg him after my night and shinning armor....grandpa Tom.<3
Bentley Thomas was the name I had chossen and Sophia Lyn or Lilian Grace for the girl. When I told my grandmother this over the phone, thinking she would be happy for Bentleys middle name... Her reply was
"I think you should name it moral, because you don't have any"

Wow huge slap in the face.... I didn't speak to her for months. I couldn't stand being around her, when other family members were around she was so fake! So "happy". But when it was just me and her she called me a slut right to my face. ( I dont know what's worse, behind my back or right to my face?)
In front of my little sister she told me she's not suprised I'm not in my neighbors bed( since his wife just recently left him, mind you he's like 50)!!

She made me feel even worse about myself. Made me feel like complete nothing! I was everyones disappointment..and for some reason she loved rubbing that in my face.

Why she acted as if I was proud of I what did?...
I couldn't change the situation. I couldn't take back what I had done.
I felt low enough about it, with out her input.

Now that Sophias here my grandma thinks the world of her. She calls me everyday to tell me how proud he is of me. How much she loves Sophia. I don't know how to react to it. It actually bugs me. I'm still hurt and angry toward her and the situation. But at the same time, I wouldn't want it any other way...I love my baby girl, she's the best eye opener ever! And best of all, she's all mine:-)

I learned to make something of a difficult situation. I took on a huge responsibility. In the begginig I choose to, by having sex. No I didn't purposly get pregnant like I've heard family members say. And one even said I was faking the pregnancy just so the family would be welcoming toward the baby daddy.... Nah!!!! Wrong! At the time in my life I did what I wanted, and didn't care what people though about it.... Obviously.
The more someone told me to leave the baby daddy alone and that I couldn't see him the more I was with him.the further they pushed me away. Even if I knew they were right about him, spiteful me wanted to prove a point. I didn't need mommy anymore, I didn't need to be told what to do. I lived on my own and I could handle myself, so I thought.

but still till this day, I feel disgusted in myself.. Other people don't let me forget the one life changing mistake I made....

Nobody is perfect.

And I can proudly say, I won't be making the mistake a second time.

I've let go of my past, you should to.
I won't be letting anyone continue to bring me down about it.

Yes Sophia doesn't have her biological father around, it's better this way...trust me.
Andrew gives her just as much love as a father could.
I pray she grows up knowing how lucky we are to have him And how lucky we are that I was finally able to get away from the baby daddy.. And move onto this wonderful life<3