The deed is done!

The deed is done, and I finally feel selfless!

The day has come, the moment I have been waiting for, the moment SOPHIA has been waiting for....
Yes, I allowed it...Willingly.
Sophia met her biological father. I secretly took Sophia to her biological great grandmothers house for her blood father to see her. Under one very STRICT condition.......he was to not be on any drugs...none. Not even weed. (Usually weed doesn't bother me) But this being a very important day in Sophia's life, I wanted him to fully be there, not 70% there.
Any way, It went great while there. He interacted with her, she hated him, she screamed at him and yelled" mommy" the whole time...and then he introduced himself to her as "Carl".
That's when it stung.
I could have cried. I almost cried. I should have cried.... I sat there wondering "who introduces themselves to their OWN child by their first name?" and then I thought about it more.....it was a good thing, its better that way. She has a daddy. Sophia probably would have been confused. This whole situation is no fair to her. My baby girl!
As he tried holding her and as she screamed the more I felt like she had almost been abandoned. It probably was the worse feeling in my life. Realizing my baby girl doesn't need this confusion in her life.
I now can say I played my part, and it actually went well that night, and I left willing to allow him to see her more......Until, days later I found out he was on heroin!..not only ON heroin, but was totally on heroin THAT night he saw her too!
REALLY!?
Just for once in your life can you do whats right! I seriously wanted to run him over.
Over my dead body will someone be around my daughter while on drugs. I have FINALLY come to the realization that most drug abusers WILL always be the same. Take my father for example, he was an alcoholic my whole life. I HATED going home to him. I HATED having a father(not anymore). He has been clean since THE DAY SOPHIA WAS BORN!...but I have no doubt he will relapse...I don't tell him this, but, its just my gut feeling. Usually my gut feelings are pretty good when it comes to those kind of things:)
Relapsing is a total different thing then being a daily abuser. I can forgive for relapsing, I can not and will not forgive for being on drugs while around my daughter. I will NEVER put her in that situation again. I don't regret allowing him to see her or even meet her! BUT, I will not allow it again.
16 years from now, when Sophia asks why she has only met her sperm Donner once, and why he isn't in her life I PRAY so hard that she understands that he wasn't safe...(not that he ever really asks to see her anyways). I hope she also understands I tried EVERYTHING in my power to not put her in a situation where she will get hurt, and any situation that deals with her biological father will end in hurt. I just pray to god she understands and I thank god for giving me the courage to contact him myself, just so he could see her.
My job here is done.
We move on with our lives.
A lesson learned.
I no longer blame myself.
Counting down the days until her last name is Pullan!<3