Hoping for the best!

I know i am not the only girl out there who's childs daddy is not their own flesh and blood.
In sophia's circumstances, it's for the better.

In my circumstances it's for the better.

All my life I've had very strong oppinions on fathers... On men in general.

I always idolized my friends relationship with their fathers.
Or if their fathers weren't in their life I thought " well at least you don't have to go threw reaccuring dissapointment"
I always knew my dads relationship and mine wasn't normal..or even good.
I dwelled over it to much.
I let it bring me down.
I set myself up for failure, myself.. Not him.
I set myself up for dissapointment.

I tried so much to change him, for his own good. I prayed for something, someone to make him open his eyes. I just wanted an effort!
As A child I grew up going to church every Sunday(on & off). My dad had his stages, for a little over a year he would be all for church and the holy father! Then he would relapse and we wouldn't step foot in a church for months.
The next time my dad wanted forgivness he would find another church, a different church than the last... We never went back to the same church. I guess he felt guilty... Or embarressed..? I don't know, he never talked to us.
Eventually I started rolling my eyes at the thought of going to church, meeting new people, knowing that soon we wouldn't ever go back to this church or ever see these people again. I started to put up a wall. I hated making friends. And I guess you could say eventually I was embarressed to!
Church no longer was fun for me..


Sophia's dad is so simular to my dad, it makes me sick! (actually he's kinda worse)
Dissapointed myself now.

You can say I'm keeping her from dissapointment. I'm keeping her from drugs, alcohol and abuse. Which i'm proud of.
He's the kind of person that comes and goes as he pleases, I won't have that in my daughters life.
Even if him and I were on speaking terms, I would never! Ever! Let her be alone... Away from me... With him. Over my dead body!

Sue me, I want what's best for my baby.
People can think I'm low for not allowing him to be in her life.
Well, he did it to himself.
He never wanted anything to do with her till now, ya see; it's convienent for him.
He has not put a single penny into this child. I don't want him to, It doesn't bother me.
What bothers me is all my life I cried over my situation with my dad. And in a way sophia's situation is worse tan mine.. I never would have imagined this.
I don't want her to think she can change her dad, honestly I hope she doesn't even bother with him once she gets older.
I hope she knows how amazing Andy is. And HE is her daddy.
The daddy that loved her and took care of her like a daddy should.
He will never dissapoint my baby girl. He will never choose drugs, alcohol, money or people over her.
I fully believe he will put her before anyone else....... And that's a DADDY.

I hope she has the kind of friends that I have..friends that can tell her.
"You don't need your biological father to have a dad. "In most situations it's probably for the better!

I hope in the future she accepts the decicions I have made. I pray she realizes she's better off without him. I cross my fingers,arms, legs, toes and eyes that she never gets Hurt from this. And that daddy(Andy) will always be there<3


-thank you Amber E for unknowingly helping me and making me think:-)..<3

A guilty mind

Before Sophia was born everyday and almost every hour I sat alone,depressed, eager, and ashamed.
I was having a baby out of wedlock..
I became the black sheep of my grandmothers perfect little family.
Everybody knew about it, I didn't feel like keeping it a secret was appropiate.. And in the end ,yes, it was very possible! But! Telling everyone in my family about it I guess made my grandmother angry.... She,who picked out every little flaw in her sisters, brothers. And brother-in-laws life and family they now had the chance to dish it right back to her.. Thanks to me. I didn't live up to her "family expectations"

Her perfect glass house was now getting rocks thrown at it...big rocks!

Now in her eyes, I'm a slut, tramp, and a dumb bimbo. I have no morals.

At 3 or 4 months pregnant I had names picked out for my future baby.
Of course if it was a boy, everyone knew I would be namimg him after my night and shinning armor....grandpa Tom.<3
Bentley Thomas was the name I had chossen and Sophia Lyn or Lilian Grace for the girl. When I told my grandmother this over the phone, thinking she would be happy for Bentleys middle name... Her reply was
"I think you should name it moral, because you don't have any"

Wow huge slap in the face.... I didn't speak to her for months. I couldn't stand being around her, when other family members were around she was so fake! So "happy". But when it was just me and her she called me a slut right to my face. ( I dont know what's worse, behind my back or right to my face?)
In front of my little sister she told me she's not suprised I'm not in my neighbors bed( since his wife just recently left him, mind you he's like 50)!!

She made me feel even worse about myself. Made me feel like complete nothing! I was everyones disappointment..and for some reason she loved rubbing that in my face.

Why she acted as if I was proud of I what did?...
I couldn't change the situation. I couldn't take back what I had done.
I felt low enough about it, with out her input.

Now that Sophias here my grandma thinks the world of her. She calls me everyday to tell me how proud he is of me. How much she loves Sophia. I don't know how to react to it. It actually bugs me. I'm still hurt and angry toward her and the situation. But at the same time, I wouldn't want it any other way...I love my baby girl, she's the best eye opener ever! And best of all, she's all mine:-)

I learned to make something of a difficult situation. I took on a huge responsibility. In the begginig I choose to, by having sex. No I didn't purposly get pregnant like I've heard family members say. And one even said I was faking the pregnancy just so the family would be welcoming toward the baby daddy.... Nah!!!! Wrong! At the time in my life I did what I wanted, and didn't care what people though about it.... Obviously.
The more someone told me to leave the baby daddy alone and that I couldn't see him the more I was with him.the further they pushed me away. Even if I knew they were right about him, spiteful me wanted to prove a point. I didn't need mommy anymore, I didn't need to be told what to do. I lived on my own and I could handle myself, so I thought.

but still till this day, I feel disgusted in myself.. Other people don't let me forget the one life changing mistake I made....

Nobody is perfect.

And I can proudly say, I won't be making the mistake a second time.

I've let go of my past, you should to.
I won't be letting anyone continue to bring me down about it.

Yes Sophia doesn't have her biological father around, it's better this way...trust me.
Andrew gives her just as much love as a father could.
I pray she grows up knowing how lucky we are to have him And how lucky we are that I was finally able to get away from the baby daddy.. And move onto this wonderful life<3

Update/Welcoming A New Life<3

Stealing the neighbors internet didn't last long... Still waiting to get our own service:-) quick update since my last blog...
- December 10th started my first set of contractions that I actually felt
- December 13th my birthday(where I prayed an prayed Sophia would come) plus I officially turned legal...the big two oh! :-)
-Christmas
-An awesome/ drama free New Years party
- Janurany 13th, I was induced at Brooks Memorial Hospital ;Sophias Birthday!!
-Janurary 14th my original due date

My baby girl came at 8:12 p.m. Weighig in at 7 lbs 13 ounces and 20" long... Bright blonde hair with bright red side burns and blue eyes.<3
Welcome to the world, Sophia Lyn Dickerson...The most perfect thing in my life.
Wonderful Andrew was present the whole time (besides the taco bell, burger king and mcdonalds run) and he even cut the cord!:-)
I am one VERY lucky girl! I let god know every day how thankful I am for this amazing boyfriend.
Him and Sophia are truley bestfriends, she's a daddys girl (as in Andrew) and he loves her soooo much, spoils her everyday! And i secretly think he likes her better then me!...but I'm ok with that;-)
Sophia has learned to smile, currently learnig how to laugh.. She's one super happy baby! And I take pictures everyday!
At a month in a half she has her first tooth coming in (poor bebe)!
She's learned to roll on her own but hadn't done it much in the past week. She loves to be on her tummy! She's in LOVE with swings,lights and mobiles! Which works out great cause her swing has all three built Into it:-)
Oddly enough the little goober loves being in her carseat.. She's a sleep in it before we even get into the car!
I recently took her shopping in Ohio to see cousin we- we (David) and his fiancé, Holly. It was so fun, and actually relaxing. And Sophia and I were able to find a huge sale happening at jc penny, which ended in 4 more outfits added to sophs wardrobe<3

Sophia loves books an story time. She loves baths, at first she screamed..but prolly cause mommy didn't have to water hot enough.
She loves to be in her Jenny jumper even though she's not age appropriate and way to little, we stuff a blanket in the front and she loves jumping and kicking her feet on the floor:-)
She also loves her bumbo, which is odd cause she's way to young for this also. But she keeps her head up and she loves the chanllege of siting up. She tries to be such a big girl<3

I call her "buggie"<3 probably will be her Nick-name forever!

Sophia has two bestfriends, a blue seahorse that lights up ( she loves lights) and it plays music...... Which is also a big part of her life.
And her second bestfriend is a blue/grey eeyore.
Saturday grandma Pullan bought her and cousin Sofie matching purple "TY" bunnies.
The whole family went on a mini road trip to grove city to a Easter village. With lots of decorations and colorful lights. Cousin Sofie was more alert and enjoyed it more than Soph. Sophia's still a little young.... Maybe next month!