Breaking

Today as I sat on the bathroom floor crying from frustration, I sat there repeating in my head "I quit, I quit, I quit!" I even tried talking myself into packing a bag and going "Home" for the weekend, home as in my mommys house....Balling my eyes out, feeling depressed, overwhelmed, not good enough, feeling like a bad mom, feeling like I'm raising the screaming devil,  somewhere for my first time through this depressing day GOD popped up in my head. Somehow, he made me think of even worse times in my life. As I looked back on them, remembering myself at the lowest point, getting hand fulls of cash that I worked hard for, 3 jobs while pregnant, hard for, trying to support myself, and not succeeding because drug  money was more important. More important that our child! No I never did drugs, that's not who I was. But I did support it....I chose to provide drugs for someone versus buying groceries. Having a gun to my head at 2 months pregnant, having family members and friends try talking me into abortion, or adoption....Sorry, that wasn't me! As god brought those not so good memories back, it made me thankful, made me so thankful I was even enlightened for sitting on the bathroom floor while my toddler whines and kicks while sitting on the potty. I sat in the bathroom looking into the messy kitchen, noticing the food that hadn't even been touched yet. Noticing the microwave! Noticing tons of things I didn't have for only 8 short months.....but seems a lifetime. Making me ten times more grateful for these possessions now. Making me grateful, that the baby that was inside my tummy when I was 2 months pregnant received a mommy AND a daddy, no not both birth parents are in the picture...but at least we are both a live. Being thankful, for the first time in my life I made a life decision to keep my baby. I even was thankful for not having the best dad. Thankful he was an alcoholic. Because if it wasn't for the hell I went through as a child with his alcohol abuse, and his depression and his coldness toward me.....I wouldn't be the mother I am today, which is everything I wanted as a child. Everything I wanted from my father growing up, I make sure Sophia has. Whether I'm providing it for her or whether Andy is providing it for her, Sophia is one fortunate little girl. Sophia has one strong mother, only because of Sophia's grandpa! It's bitter sweet. But what if I didn't go through what I did, would I be this loving of a parent, would I know how to parent? Would I strive to be the parent I never had? For the first time in my life, I'm thanking my daddy. I'm thanking my baby-daddy. I'm grateful for my rough patches in life. I'm grateful for god! As I got up from the bathroom floor, wiped my tears, I went and read my devotional for the day,which couldn't have been on Que any more perfect! And even though i'm still having a bad day, I'm grateful. For everyone, for everything, for bad decisions, for the lessons learned, for faith,for Andy, for family, for daddies, for potty training, for terrible two's, messy kitchens and for bathroom floors!
AMEN!