Hoping for the best!

I know i am not the only girl out there who's childs daddy is not their own flesh and blood.
In sophia's circumstances, it's for the better.

In my circumstances it's for the better.

All my life I've had very strong oppinions on fathers... On men in general.

I always idolized my friends relationship with their fathers.
Or if their fathers weren't in their life I thought " well at least you don't have to go threw reaccuring dissapointment"
I always knew my dads relationship and mine wasn't normal..or even good.
I dwelled over it to much.
I let it bring me down.
I set myself up for failure, myself.. Not him.
I set myself up for dissapointment.

I tried so much to change him, for his own good. I prayed for something, someone to make him open his eyes. I just wanted an effort!
As A child I grew up going to church every Sunday(on & off). My dad had his stages, for a little over a year he would be all for church and the holy father! Then he would relapse and we wouldn't step foot in a church for months.
The next time my dad wanted forgivness he would find another church, a different church than the last... We never went back to the same church. I guess he felt guilty... Or embarressed..? I don't know, he never talked to us.
Eventually I started rolling my eyes at the thought of going to church, meeting new people, knowing that soon we wouldn't ever go back to this church or ever see these people again. I started to put up a wall. I hated making friends. And I guess you could say eventually I was embarressed to!
Church no longer was fun for me..


Sophia's dad is so simular to my dad, it makes me sick! (actually he's kinda worse)
Dissapointed myself now.

You can say I'm keeping her from dissapointment. I'm keeping her from drugs, alcohol and abuse. Which i'm proud of.
He's the kind of person that comes and goes as he pleases, I won't have that in my daughters life.
Even if him and I were on speaking terms, I would never! Ever! Let her be alone... Away from me... With him. Over my dead body!

Sue me, I want what's best for my baby.
People can think I'm low for not allowing him to be in her life.
Well, he did it to himself.
He never wanted anything to do with her till now, ya see; it's convienent for him.
He has not put a single penny into this child. I don't want him to, It doesn't bother me.
What bothers me is all my life I cried over my situation with my dad. And in a way sophia's situation is worse tan mine.. I never would have imagined this.
I don't want her to think she can change her dad, honestly I hope she doesn't even bother with him once she gets older.
I hope she knows how amazing Andy is. And HE is her daddy.
The daddy that loved her and took care of her like a daddy should.
He will never dissapoint my baby girl. He will never choose drugs, alcohol, money or people over her.
I fully believe he will put her before anyone else....... And that's a DADDY.

I hope she has the kind of friends that I have..friends that can tell her.
"You don't need your biological father to have a dad. "In most situations it's probably for the better!

I hope in the future she accepts the decicions I have made. I pray she realizes she's better off without him. I cross my fingers,arms, legs, toes and eyes that she never gets Hurt from this. And that daddy(Andy) will always be there<3


-thank you Amber E for unknowingly helping me and making me think:-)..<3

A guilty mind

Before Sophia was born everyday and almost every hour I sat alone,depressed, eager, and ashamed.
I was having a baby out of wedlock..
I became the black sheep of my grandmothers perfect little family.
Everybody knew about it, I didn't feel like keeping it a secret was appropiate.. And in the end ,yes, it was very possible! But! Telling everyone in my family about it I guess made my grandmother angry.... She,who picked out every little flaw in her sisters, brothers. And brother-in-laws life and family they now had the chance to dish it right back to her.. Thanks to me. I didn't live up to her "family expectations"

Her perfect glass house was now getting rocks thrown at it...big rocks!

Now in her eyes, I'm a slut, tramp, and a dumb bimbo. I have no morals.

At 3 or 4 months pregnant I had names picked out for my future baby.
Of course if it was a boy, everyone knew I would be namimg him after my night and shinning armor....grandpa Tom.<3
Bentley Thomas was the name I had chossen and Sophia Lyn or Lilian Grace for the girl. When I told my grandmother this over the phone, thinking she would be happy for Bentleys middle name... Her reply was
"I think you should name it moral, because you don't have any"

Wow huge slap in the face.... I didn't speak to her for months. I couldn't stand being around her, when other family members were around she was so fake! So "happy". But when it was just me and her she called me a slut right to my face. ( I dont know what's worse, behind my back or right to my face?)
In front of my little sister she told me she's not suprised I'm not in my neighbors bed( since his wife just recently left him, mind you he's like 50)!!

She made me feel even worse about myself. Made me feel like complete nothing! I was everyones disappointment..and for some reason she loved rubbing that in my face.

Why she acted as if I was proud of I what did?...
I couldn't change the situation. I couldn't take back what I had done.
I felt low enough about it, with out her input.

Now that Sophias here my grandma thinks the world of her. She calls me everyday to tell me how proud he is of me. How much she loves Sophia. I don't know how to react to it. It actually bugs me. I'm still hurt and angry toward her and the situation. But at the same time, I wouldn't want it any other way...I love my baby girl, she's the best eye opener ever! And best of all, she's all mine:-)

I learned to make something of a difficult situation. I took on a huge responsibility. In the begginig I choose to, by having sex. No I didn't purposly get pregnant like I've heard family members say. And one even said I was faking the pregnancy just so the family would be welcoming toward the baby daddy.... Nah!!!! Wrong! At the time in my life I did what I wanted, and didn't care what people though about it.... Obviously.
The more someone told me to leave the baby daddy alone and that I couldn't see him the more I was with him.the further they pushed me away. Even if I knew they were right about him, spiteful me wanted to prove a point. I didn't need mommy anymore, I didn't need to be told what to do. I lived on my own and I could handle myself, so I thought.

but still till this day, I feel disgusted in myself.. Other people don't let me forget the one life changing mistake I made....

Nobody is perfect.

And I can proudly say, I won't be making the mistake a second time.

I've let go of my past, you should to.
I won't be letting anyone continue to bring me down about it.

Yes Sophia doesn't have her biological father around, it's better this way...trust me.
Andrew gives her just as much love as a father could.
I pray she grows up knowing how lucky we are to have him And how lucky we are that I was finally able to get away from the baby daddy.. And move onto this wonderful life<3

Update/Welcoming A New Life<3

Stealing the neighbors internet didn't last long... Still waiting to get our own service:-) quick update since my last blog...
- December 10th started my first set of contractions that I actually felt
- December 13th my birthday(where I prayed an prayed Sophia would come) plus I officially turned legal...the big two oh! :-)
-Christmas
-An awesome/ drama free New Years party
- Janurany 13th, I was induced at Brooks Memorial Hospital ;Sophias Birthday!!
-Janurary 14th my original due date

My baby girl came at 8:12 p.m. Weighig in at 7 lbs 13 ounces and 20" long... Bright blonde hair with bright red side burns and blue eyes.<3
Welcome to the world, Sophia Lyn Dickerson...The most perfect thing in my life.
Wonderful Andrew was present the whole time (besides the taco bell, burger king and mcdonalds run) and he even cut the cord!:-)
I am one VERY lucky girl! I let god know every day how thankful I am for this amazing boyfriend.
Him and Sophia are truley bestfriends, she's a daddys girl (as in Andrew) and he loves her soooo much, spoils her everyday! And i secretly think he likes her better then me!...but I'm ok with that;-)
Sophia has learned to smile, currently learnig how to laugh.. She's one super happy baby! And I take pictures everyday!
At a month in a half she has her first tooth coming in (poor bebe)!
She's learned to roll on her own but hadn't done it much in the past week. She loves to be on her tummy! She's in LOVE with swings,lights and mobiles! Which works out great cause her swing has all three built Into it:-)
Oddly enough the little goober loves being in her carseat.. She's a sleep in it before we even get into the car!
I recently took her shopping in Ohio to see cousin we- we (David) and his fiancé, Holly. It was so fun, and actually relaxing. And Sophia and I were able to find a huge sale happening at jc penny, which ended in 4 more outfits added to sophs wardrobe<3

Sophia loves books an story time. She loves baths, at first she screamed..but prolly cause mommy didn't have to water hot enough.
She loves to be in her Jenny jumper even though she's not age appropriate and way to little, we stuff a blanket in the front and she loves jumping and kicking her feet on the floor:-)
She also loves her bumbo, which is odd cause she's way to young for this also. But she keeps her head up and she loves the chanllege of siting up. She tries to be such a big girl<3

I call her "buggie"<3 probably will be her Nick-name forever!

Sophia has two bestfriends, a blue seahorse that lights up ( she loves lights) and it plays music...... Which is also a big part of her life.
And her second bestfriend is a blue/grey eeyore.
Saturday grandma Pullan bought her and cousin Sofie matching purple "TY" bunnies.
The whole family went on a mini road trip to grove city to a Easter village. With lots of decorations and colorful lights. Cousin Sofie was more alert and enjoyed it more than Soph. Sophia's still a little young.... Maybe next month!

Fathers be good to your daughters..& Daughters will love like you do!

As you may already know, Sophia’s biological father is not in her life. From about 4 months pregnant and on…I had the hardest time accepting it. I found myself trying for him. No matter what or who spoke to me about it, anyone else’s opinion on letting him put forth some effort just did NOT register in my head. All the mistakes he repeatedly made, just didn’t matter to me. I felt like no matter what drugs he did or how much he physically or emotionally was hurting me,I still felt like Soph needed her daddy. I have a really big opinion on fathers, Mine wasn’t the worst.….But I grew up with drugs and alcohol ruining my relationship with my father, which also has led to ruin all male relationships in my life. I didn’t want my daughter ever feeling the same way about her daddy…. The biggest memory that I look back on and hurts the most was knowing and remembering at one point in life I was “daddy’s little girl”…. But Now I’m not.  I wonder, if I wasn’t so close to my father when I was little……Then I wouldn’t be so angry towards him. But thanks to my STRONG opinion on drugs and alcohol, my relationship with my dad is VERY distant and alcohol remains to be more important at the wrong times for him. If I didn’t have younger sisters, I would not be able to see in his eyes that us kids are technically more important then alcohol. A child should not grow up questioning why an addiction always comes first. Sophia’s father will not come and go out of her life as he pleases As much as it hurts me to be ok with Sophia not growing up with her real daddy, I have to thank God…For answering a prayer of mine, ever since I could remember my biggest opinion was “ I would NEVER allow my child growing up around any kind of addiction” and as much as I think every girl needs her daddy, I think THIS is what’s best for Sophia.
            Today I find myself wondering how Sophia will react to knowing her biological dads not here....Will there be some anger towards Me or him?

 I don’t want her to hate him, or even think he’s a bad person…or that he didn’t love her. She WILL know who he is, I will answer all her questions she has about him. But I am happy to say Sophia is blessed with an amazing step-dad, who loves her as much as he loves me. He doesn't use or abuse! & He has stepped up and taken on another mans (boy) responsibility. I Hope Soph doesn’t dwell about her real dad. And I pray she realizes who truly loves her. I just wanted what is best for my daughter, and I am SO happy that she doesn’t have to grow up without a daddy. I am BEYOND grateful that she has a step dad, who will be more then a father to Sophia and who already loves her as his own, and that’s all that counts<3 He also has showed me how Sophia doesn’t need to be around drugs just to be loved or to have her daddy.My daughter will NEVER question why an addiction appears to be more important and she will never have hatred towards a substance. That’s NOT what is best for my daughter, ... and I’m just glad I realized this before the addiction/abuse affected her in any way. I am relieved that Sophia doesnt have to grow up questioning why shes not daddys little girl anymore.

My Womb Mate.....

Trying to find a doctor was the most difficult task in the beginning of my pregnancy...Between insurance and finding a doctor who would see me before the year of 2012 (which was after I was due ), I finally found ONE!..just one..but at least its someone. I went into my first appointment not knowing how far along I was and came out not knowing either. Booooo! 

My second appointment they gave me a due date of December 25th, eh A Christmas baby..not the end of the world.

 But on my third appointment they changed it to December 17th...4 days after my birthday!...YAY. 

Then at 18 weeks into my pregnancy I switched doctors and my new doctor gave me a NEW due date.......January 14th.. ALMOST A MONTHS DIFFERENCE, GUR! 

After about 3 months of calling my baby, " It" or "the baby" My boyfriend and I came up with a nick name "Eeyore"! 

Finally I was asked if I wanted to know the sex of Eeyore....Of course! All I wanted was a BOY! ......BOY! BOY! BOY! 

During the sonogram My mother, and my boyfriend at the time (baby daddy) joined me for the big news. We sat in a tiny room with a man who was able to show me my babies brain and which side of the brain the baby was using at that particular second. We also got to see it peeing, Eeyores muscles and bones.. Finally I seen Eeyore's butt cheeks! I knew we were close! Its almost time to find out!!!!

The doctor then rants on about Eeyore's  "Vulva"....I see a big smile come across boyfriends face, but he just continues to stare at the screen, I look at my moms face..she's also smiling.. I look at the screen again and in the middle of the screen the doctor just finished typing "it's a Girl!"...not realizing the doctor said vulva (vagina would had made it easier for me), it JUST hit me.... Eeyores a GIRL!

We already had a boys name and girls name picked out, so we knew right off the bat she was going to be named Sophia Lyn 

& Of Course the first thing I did with my first 100 Paychecks was buy baby girl outfits for lil Sophia<3..what mother doesnt! 

Happy Mothers Day!.........to me?

Woke up Sunday morning wished my mom a happy mothers day and went to work my open till closed shift at the mall. Around 1pm I started having hot flashes and a really bad head ache. At 6 p.m. the store closed and I did my normal closing routine....but this time my store manager came in to do a P.M visit, they happen once a month and you have no idea when they are coming, she just checks the store, my closing procedure and then we call the district manager and confirm that everything went swell with no problems....which called for about an extra half hour of being at work! I thought i was going to die....After all that nonsense my manager looks at me with a confused look...and asks "are you feeling ok" I reply just a head ache.

   After I go get my coat she then pulls me a side and asks..."Krystle, are you pregnant"....With out hesitation I reply "No, not that I know of"..I mean I've only had a head ache for a couple hours and the hot flashes just that day...What would possibly make me think that I was pregnant?

   I drove home and thought about my managers question...and then replayed what my mother had said about my butt from the night before in my head, thought about my last period..which didn't help at all because I hadn't had my period for 2 months anyways, and already took some pregnancy tests when the whole not getting it the first month occurred. Once I sat down and explained to my boyfriend the random people hinting about pregnancy he laughed and agreed I needed to take a test... My first test I took was a paper strip that I had to dip into a cup...We sat in the bathroom waiting for three minutes, it wasn't scary cause I was so convinced i wasnt. When three minutes was up the boyfriend flipped over the strip and read the results he just said theres two lines.....the dumb dumb that I am, asks "so we're having a baby?" He was SO excited... I just sat there, excited...but ashamed. After Boyfriend went on chanting for about 15 minutes I still didn't believe it so i peed on two more strips....they all came up with two pink lines!...Something inside of me STILL said they were wrong, so boyfriend and I went to Rite Aid and got one, which also said positive and then we went to Wal-Mart....where I had more time to think!..So we bought another test, this time it was digital...i peed in it, and it flashed the words " PREGNANT"

It then hit me......................HAPPY MOTHERS DAY KRYSTLE!

I called up my doctors office and the next day She confirmed it! I WAS pregnant.....THIS WAS REAL.....

                                                                    A Great Joy Is Coming

A grand Adventure Is about to begin..

http://www.facebook.com/media/set/?set=a.10150515893109762.469391.554364761&type=3



.....7 Months ago...
After being graduated for 2 full years now, I was walking into my sisters prom on a saturday night.. Dressed in tight worn out jeans, Really the only ones that seemed to go along with the shape of my hips and a nice brown leather jacket with heals...Something everybody wears to prom, right? After taking thousands of pictures with a very crappy camera, they finally announced "Prom Queen".......drum roll please!!!!...........TABATHA DICKERSON!

My thoughts!...don't cry!...PICTURES!...YAY, so proud of my sister!  After everyone took picture after picture and the preppy girls still seemed to make the rest of the night about themselves rather then be happy for my sister everyone watched Tabatha and the prom king dance then my mother, my sister Cora and I walked back to the car.. On the way to the car I was ahead of my mother(butt facing her) she comments " Look at that ass, man  its getting wide" I just turn around and roll my eyes, thinking NOTHING of it... my mother then replys..." Wait till you have children"
............And thats when she had me thinking!