Burden.

Burden much?

I am grateful for all the people who have excepted my daughter and I.

Its not her fault, its not Andy’s fault…. I take the blame 100%

Things could have been different.

Things should have been different.

Is this really what god wanted? For me to sin?

How can he make such a horrid sin, into such a blessing?

Why is my life coming together?…for the first time ever.

How is Andy so ok? So loving? So happy?

I can’t even explain to you how much he loves Sophia.

As his OWN!

How?

Why?

…..I wish she was his. Everyday I WISH. Maybe then I wouldn’t feel like a burden. To him, and his family.

I know I’m really not…..its just my thoughts every now and then.

I know this isn’t what his parents dreamed for his future.

To have a soul mate who had a baby with another man.. to have their son father a child that is not his. What parent would ever dream of that?

But they love me, & I love them, just as if they were my real family. They take me as I am. They call Sophia their grandbaby. I.am.blessed….

Bringing a smile to his face!

Last weekend the three of us and grandma and grandpa Pullan were invited to a wedding in Niagara Falls. We “forced, bribed and asked" aunt Cora to tag a long for the trip! I was excited when the invitation came in the mail, since I had never been to Niagara falls, and the wedding was for a friend of Andy’s he hadn’t seen in years; A former band member of his in FF (Failing Friday) band.

The wedding was in a tall gorgeous old stone church, followed by a New York City tradition reception back at the hotel.

It was very neat, and creative…. Each person was assigned a table, each table numbered of course. At every table was a scrapbook of the people who were assigned at that specific table, along with old memories of the bride or groom with their family or friends.

Seeing the Failing Friday picture of my amazing hubs and the groom, along with all the other band members way back in their high school days, was awesome, yet hilarious. Seeing my Andrew trying to be all cool at the age of 15. HA! (just kiddin, he IS cool) was cute. I could also tell from the look on his face it meant a lot to him.

During the reception the DJ also was nice enough to play a Failing Friday song!  Failing Friday reunion for the boys! It meant a lot to me to share this event with my boyfriend. I love being there in times like these for him, it hardly ever happens where I get to be His SUPPORTER.  He’s always there 100% for Sophia and I; like during Sophia birth, supporting us with a home, a brand new car, and the best trip to Niagara Falls!

So, it felt nice to finally stand behind him at this wedding and see him smile, see the old memories of his childhood, and spend time with his long lost friends and be with his parents. AMEN!

I Love seeing a smiling manJ

I look forward to many more special moments with this man and my daughter! 

THANK YOU GOD<3

fun at the hotel

Ten things Sophia SHOULD know about her first year.

The ten things a baby should learn about their first year.

The first year being as precious as it is, they wont remember it.

I'm glad Sophia's memory will be on auto pilot while I had to change her diaper in the trunk of the Honda,multiple times. Or when I quickly pulled the laptop away from her reach at the same moment she went to grab it and fell face first into the corner of the laptop, ending with a bloody eyebrow and a black and blue eye, along with the couple times I strapped her into her car seat safe and sound but when I placed the car seat in the car forgot to buckle it.....OH BOY! 

But there are some things I hope, with reminder of course, she will remember and never forget. 

1.) You were and are Loved!..from the very beginning !

2.) You are the reason I figured out and made a plan for my life.

3.) That wasn't you who left all those puke stains on the couch....( minus all the beer stains left from uncle kyle)

4.)You were and never will be a burden.

    You were or weren't the reason I didn't get more than 3 hours of sleep at a time. You might or might not have left stains around the house. I might not have had much time to myself in your first year. But not a single moment of it was a burden. From the start you were a blessing! Always will be a life changer from god<3

5.) You were more patient with mommy and daddy than you had to be.

     You always just sat back and smiled (sticking out your tongue kind of smile), tagged along, and let mommy dress you in anything and everything.  Being our first baby, we were learning and still are learning how to parent. We have done our best. We have failed at some things but we've gained from those failures. You will always be our little Buggie. 

6.)YOU WERE WANTED.

     I didn't have sex thinking" hey im going to do this so i have a baby". It just so happened that things went "wrong" , i guess you could say. And a couple weeks later I was peeing on 6 different pregnancy test, not believing a single one. But just cause you weren't planned(and i know other people will argue about me saying this"i had sex, but didnt PLAN on getting pregnant", cause before i got pregnant I was one of those people) it doesnt mean you weren't wanted. God has a plan for everyone, even if its not what you thought you wanted. Some how, its just meant to be.

7.)You were welcomed.

      You were welcomed by ME and DADDY! thats all that matters. A lot of people held a grudge toward mommy. Weather it was keeping you, or just being pregnant with you. I was the black sheep of my family. Some people were shady towards daddy too. For welcoming you into HIS life. But 'IN YOUR FACES" hes the best daddy in the WORLD! Because of him you have EVERYTHING! and MORE than I ever imagined you would have. He spoils you with love and cuddles! Just because hes not your real daddy, doesnt mean its wrong for him to parent you. Some day you will have his last name...and until that day, I will NOT being changing my last name either. Daddy welcomed you better than your biological father could and did. Your biological father just wasn't ready, he needed to grow up, & care for himself before he is capable of caring for a baby. And being with him is not a healthy situation. But, I AM sorry for choosing him. I just tell myself, If it wasn't for him you wouldn't be here today. 

8.) You weren't perfect (even thought you actually kind of were)

  I'm telling you straight up, you weren't a perfect baby. Only because you will not have a conceited ego.But between you and me, you WERE a perfect baby. You hardly ever cried. But when you did, It was quiet and short. You knew what you wanted and you were very content and independent. 

9.) Daddy's girl.

     I try and tell myself your a mommy's girl. Sometimes he even says you are. You and I just have a VERY special bond, a bond only mommy's and daughters feel from day one of being in our bellies. But lets face it. Daddy is your first LOVE. The light in your eyes when he walks through the room, melts my heart and it takes everything inside of me to not cry...EVERY TIME! Its amazing how much you two connect. No one will ever replace him. I hope and dream of someday ( 30 years from now) him walking you down the isle, giving his blessing to someone just as amazing as your daddy was, not that anyone could ever measure up; but you get the point. 

10.) YOU, are the inspiration in my life.

     Honestly, I KNOW I wouldn't be here today if it wasn't for seeing the fluttering of your heart beat, or feeling those little kicks and nightly hic-ups you had inside of me...Remember baby girl, theres a reason for EVERYTHING! 

(picture taken by Lavalley Photography)

We Will Always Be a Family... Mommy & Daddy will Love you NO MATTER WHAT!

(picture taken by Little Owl Photography)

Addiction

Addiction..

My latest addiction is Pinterest!...UGHHH!

If you've never heard of it, or have the will power to never go to the site...then DONT DO IT!

I have spent hours on end on this web page....probably more than I have spent on facebook, believe it or not. 

Its cute, and the ideas are phenomenal.. But ADDICTION! OH EM GEE!

I have attempted some of the DIY projects on the site..a couple are a lost cause, and they really spike the creative side I've never had before.  But most of the time I feel as if some stuff posted on there is not as realistic as they make it seem...SOME stuff.

Here are some of the things I have successfully accomplished from pinterest.com.

As I try hard to slowly wean myself away from pinterest, I have came to find a new favorite webpage..not AS addicting and way MORE realistic; If thats the right word.

babble.com

AMAZING!

THE END

Just kidding..

babbles main purpose if for families. with kids.

its has more of the items you would have laying around your house to make an easier more convenient and affordable DIY.

It has lots of bloggers, which are rather inspiring to me. 

Check it out! They blog about almost every baby related topic you could imagine. They have recipes. And crafts. They have do's and dont's . I love it, and its SO helpful!& its geared more for moms! ...AMEN!

Reality?

Hello Reality...

So Im a picture-holic!...What mother isn't???

I honestly take 10-20 pictures of my daughter EACH DAY.

She is a very smiley baby, Don't get me wrong! She is a very good, content, happy,independent 8 month old. She does know what she wants when she wants it!. She has an attitude like non other. & she knows how to get everyones attention, work the camera and make everyone laugh and feel loved.

Thats my Sophia Lyn. 

Any way!

Most of my pictures are of her smiling from ear to ear, kissing someone or something, or being just so darn cute. 

Well Im doing a "Hello Reality" project I got from a previous blogger. Its a funny challenge for Madres with all ages of kids to do!

Take a cute picture of Sophia sitting in the bath tub for instance.

I have a cute picture of her in the tub playing with foam letters...so innocent and so cute..

But my REALITY picture is, 5 seconds after i took this picture Sophia crapped in the tub and it was a horrid mess!

Yikes, I DIDNT show that picture on my facebook!

Life with a baby is filled with fun and messes. Laughter and Cries.

Have some fun and take pictures of that bad moments also! 10 Years from now, you'll laugh at them too! 

After taking about 7 trips up and down a flight of stairs for nice clean warm water, sophia puked all in this pool, obviously after this picture.

This picture is posted on my Facebook. Sophia just got done eating 3 helpings of 2nd stage foods! Thats A LOT!...I and everyone who commented on this picture said something along the lines of "nap time"...Well it was the complete opposite. She didn't nap at all that day. She screamed for at least two hours and then threw up the food....Guess she ate to much! Note to self and everyone else out there...Don't give baby 3 helpings of food, even if they think they can do it!

This picture was taken at grandma and grandpas house. Sophia just learned how to crawl under things but hasn't learned how to get herself out. 
When I took this picture i thought she was having fun. I was clapping and squealing.. But Sophia didn't like it... I guess she was stuck, which resulted in her screaming bloody murder and not wanting to go near the chair again that night. I have a lot of pictures of my little girl in her x-er-saucer... BUT most of the time......She absolutely hates the thing! This is probably one of 12 shots I got of her this day in the x-er-saucer...But all the other 11 she is crying.

Yea this picture....was just taken today..So CUTE! well....she fell and smoked her face off the t.v. stand right after this because mommy thought matching pink socks would be cute with a baby who pulls herself up on things while having a hard wood floor.....She is now barefoot for the rest of this damp chilly day....

Crazy-ness

Clueing in on our life!
Life is a complicated wonderful thing. ......Bittersweet sums it up!
In the last week we moved 2 big truck loads from out apartment to the house on Houston ave. Still not 100% packed, and Andy's parents still have 80% to still pack at Houston to moved to Erie. Joy, the house is way crammed and totally not baby proof!
This morning the t.v. wasn't working and Mommy told Sophia we could go for a walk.  But DUH me! The stroller isn't here yet. What to do!???
Everything is packed!
Sophia loves all the commotion, and enjoys getting into everything.
Within 15 minutes this morning she was chewing on the end of scissors, dropped pliers on her foot, screamed bloody murder and kept trying to pull the plant and glass dishes off grandma and grandpa's coffee table!
I made myself at home and baby proofed the living room and Much as I could for the time being.
Walking through the house that is soon to be my little family of three's home, I can see Sophia growing up in it. It soothes my soul knowing Sophia wont be missing out on the things I call "a normal childhood".
Living on a street where she can ride her bike or evn her escalade Barbie car(which I will start saving for now).
She can even sit in the middle of the road and draw with sidewalk chalk and not worry about tons of traffic!...which I did growing up.
She can get dirty, and do things that cause tons of bruises on her legs. We have a yard big enough for "her" dream playhouse. (Which is really my dream)
A cute little swingset with a slide and sand box.
Oh yea, and WE CAN FINALLY GET A KITTY!!!! :-)
I love the sounds of it all!
And I'm pumped to buy a grill and cook out on it every Summer night! Hello corn on the cob the tastey way!! :-)
Most of all I look forward to the rainy days where I can sit out on the back pourch on a little wooden swing and listen to the wonderful rain drops.
Happy, happy JOY!
THIS IS LIFE! & I love it!!!
Yet another crazy event in my life is college. I applied at JCC last Tuesday and got the phone call the next day saying I was accepted. I went in ,took a placement test and scheduled my night classes. IM DOING IT!
I told my beautiful little girl I wanted what's best for her. I want her to have the things I couldn't have as a kid. I want to find a job good enough for her. And I want lots more kids.
Andy wont be able to work all by himself for ever! And I acknowledge how hard he works for us two girls. I want to help, and play my part!
I did some planning, and dreaming. I figured it out.
Every time I think of going to college the first thing that pops up in my mind is criminal justice.
So therefore that's what I am going for. I timed it just right so that I graduate when Sophia enters kindergarden. Which means I will have the time to get a full time or even part time job.
Amen to this future God is bringing my way!
I have never known what I wanted to do with my life until this little girl came along.
I love you buggie<3

Clearifying

First off, I would like to say I have been terribly grumpy latley.
don't want to be around many people. And life just seems to be going down hill all over again.
I'm trying super hard not to be frustrated by it. But how can you not when it just gets worse!?
I feel like every one looks at me with disappointment .....strangers, family and even some friends.

I want to make it clear.
I had a baby, I chose to take responsibility and be a mother. A GOOD MOTHER as a matter of fact.
I'm 21 not 12.
I've been graduated for 4 years,  I'm not still in high school.
and I also graduated from cosmetology, which I chose not to continue with outside of school. (Doesn't mean I'm a failure) I never went into cosmetology hoping to find a career from it, but eventually once participating in the class the thought of being a full time cosmetogist crossed my mind a couple times. But in the end its not for me!

No I didn't go to college before having a family, but that doesn't mean I'm not going to get anywhere in life or not be able to provide for my daughter and the many more children I wish to have in the future.
I enjoy being a stay at home Mommy. I think its best for my daughter until she is old enough to go to pre-k. As long as my family and I are doing financially fine, then I don't see a point. Yea some extra money would be nice. But sacraficing pedicures, highlights, I-pads and other new technology is part of being a Mommy. And I rather see my daughter grow... sue me!

Yes I'm on WIC.
Even before I was on Wic I never thought of it as a welfare program.
It's not.
Its actually a good program I think every pregnant mother should be on.
It gives you and your baby the nutrition you need everyday.
Its a smart program and I have learned how to eat appropriately with it.
It forces you to buy veggies, fruits, milk, and bread.
You can't just go buy anything with it.
Its not only for "low class" people.  my entire family was on Wic growing up. There's absolutely nothing wrong with that!
Wic also has a very good breastfeeding class. Birthing class. It has a program where you can meet with other mothers(married or not, teenagers or not) and talk about your pregnancies and ask questions. Its kind of like a support group. Your going through something new in your life. Whats better than knowing people who is going through a pregnancy at the same time you are!?
I wish I would have gone to a class IR 2 when I was pregnant!
Secoondly they are there for your baby and the babies health.

I'm sick of people staring at me when I'm at the mall, at wal-mart or even out to lunch.
I may look 15 but I'm NOT!
STOP JUDGING!
Surprise,Surprise!.. its not even the elderly who glare.
Its actually TODAYS society.

Times like this I wish I looked my age.... uhhhh!

Mothers day and a very special momment!

Today was mothers day.
My "second" mothers day.
Last year I celebrated mothers day by myself,finding out Sophia was growing inside of me... after 6 home pregnancy tests and I still didn't believe it.
This year I celebrated with my amazing Sophia my wonderful boyfriend, his normal parents and my not so normal, crazy family!

Sophia and mommy spent lots of cuddles and play time this morning. We got ready for church together,all morning Sophia had a huge grin on her face. Like she knew it was a special day for mommy!
In church she became the highlight of our pew by talking in the middle of the serman.
Any other time I would be embarressed and leave with her to get her to quiet down. But somehow leaving didn't cross my mind and Mommy was smiling from ear to ear( maybe that's why she kept doing it)
After church Andrew, Sophia and I went back to Andy's parents house and exchnaged gifts with the Mommys!
We met up with my crazy family and Dutch village in clymer for a buffet but of course when we got there my family was already in line and some even had their plates full of food. Doesn't feel very welcoming when they do this. Lets just say its going to be a while until I tend a family function again. HOW RUDE!

I did however try to make the best of the lunch. We then went shopping in the gift shop and I found camo furniture!!!!!!
Which someday I WILL own!

After coming home and relaxing, I must say it was an amazing day. I got to spend every second with the amazing person who made me a mommy.
She's made me who I am today.
I've grown up.
I've found God.
And I wouldn't have it any other way.

Thank you Andrew Todd and Sophia lyn for giving mommy the best mothers day ever! I love you both!

Now for the very special moment!!
Some exciting news is happening next Sunday my Sophia lyn will be dedicated to the lord.
Can I get an amen!

I'm so truly excited!
I've dreamed of this day since month 4 of my baby girl growing inside of my tummy.
I'm not a person to show any emotion around people. Ill hold it in as long as possible!!!
But this makes me jump for joy!
I may cry on Sunday. and guess what?
I don't even care!

I'm thinking about getting cute cross sugar cookies made that have a purple "S" on them for everyone who attends.
Please come watch as mommy and daddy dedicate Sophia lyn to Christ, Sunday may 20th 2012.

A start of a new "bad" habit?

Great news this week!
Sophia's no longer sick!
No more blow dryer her bum! Thanks to a generic wal-mart brand butt cream:-)  and of course a thanks to the good ol hair dryer!

Sophia took two big steps up this past week. She sleeps EVERY night in her crib! And she sleeps all night!... a total of 10 hours!  Huge change and this mama is in a much better, lively mood the past couple days. The house has never been so spotless with all my energy!
I put the extra energy to use by some good, fun, exercising and cleaning.

Also the second step Sophia had this week is talking.... oh my goodness she talks to everything and anything... a loud talk, not just cooing and smiles now... this is full out bursts, especially to Mickey mouse!

Last night we had an episode where it was daddy and Sophia time.
And well soph wasn't having it! I guess all she wanted was mommy! She just screamed bloody murder untilled mommy came to the rescue.
Worries me, we don't want to make that a habit!
She will not be that child!

Ice cream, pie, and blow drying butts!

Say what?

Yesterday Sophia attended her first auction.
An Amish auction as a matter of fact. She spent the whole day with mommy, cousin Stacey,  cousin Audi and second cousin Corbin who is just over a month old.
We got free burgers, hotdogs, home made pies, and icecream!
Audi and I Fed her icecream from a spoon.. soph loved it! She ate it like a champ! She knew what to do with the spoon and even tried to hold it herself.then mommy gave her pie filling! Black raspberry!!!
She liked that better than the icecream.
Later that night daddy gave her Pepsi! Which we got no expression from; so I have no idea how she feels about that.
I'm so proud of her using the big girl spoon, I might start some vegetables once she's 4 months.

Now onto the blow dryer and butts.
The last week Sophia has had a really bad butt rash. Its bleeding, looks shiny and feels like leather!
Its gotten so bad that as soon as she's laid down to get changed she's immediately shaking and screaming! Poor baby girls scared! She actually cries tears from this! It makes me so sad
:-(
So this is where the blow drying her butt comes into play.
Well Andy and I can't ever get her butt dry enough to spread the butt cream onto the rash....so we started to blow dryer her butt with a hair dryer.
Works like a charm!
She likes it and it gets the job done.
Butt cream goes on smoothly.
And her bums, lookin better!

Amen to hair dryers!

Growing to fast!

My little 7lb 13ounce baby is now 13.2 lbs!!! Not SOOO little anymore... but still little:)
Friday the 20th, Sophia laughed super Loud for the first time. She usually just coo's and giggles and talks to toys in her own baby language. But this time it was a full out laugh!... aunt tabby was there to witness it!
Last night Andrew and I spent about 3-4 hours at the hospital with her. She hadn't ate more than 6 ounces in the last 24 hours and was refusing any formula or pedialite. I got worried. There was a major lack of wet diapers the last 2 days but she thankfully stayed hydrated! Amen.
I have never been to WCA myself. And would rather go anywhere but WCA, but the doctor at the 5 star urgent care center informed me soph would just be getting blood work done, there's nothing to worry about.so I gave in and went.
We left with a tired baby, nothing but a bronchitis sheet for me to read.. but she had x-rays done that confirmed she didn't even have bronchitis...? And not one nurse doctor or person even looked into her not eating habit! ....... !!! AND to remind you,  the reason why we were sent there by the doctor from urgent care was because they don't do blood work there and sent us to the ER for it! Which we ended up leaving with out anyone doing blood work or even talking to us about blood work... I take it, the 8 different nurses that didn't even know what was Going on around them forgot the reason we were there..? Maybe they were to caught up with their homework they ALL had to do, since I didn't met a single one out of school yet!
I was so annoyed! Can't wait for that hospital bill in he mail!.... USELESS!
....I've made up my mind, I'm getting a pediatrician!

Can we think convenience here...?

So every mother or father comes across the momment when restaurants, stores, hospitals, or schools don't have changing tables....

What are you suppose to do!!!!!????
How would you like to sit it your over full diaper people!!!!!!!

Sunday Andy and I are shopping for a new pair of sneakers for him at Olympia Sports.. Sophia went # 2 so bad I'm pretty sure the employees could smell her.so we had to explain to them we would have to leave since they don't have a bathroom.. mind you, andy has like 5 different pairs of shoes out waiting to try on. He asks the lady not to put them away , we'll be right back.
Well I thought going to a different store would be a good idea, but TJmax failed me.. so then Tim Horton's....but no changig table!! oh how convenient!!
so good ol kfc/taco bell to the rescue!
3rd times a charm eh?

I believe EVERY PUBLIC BUILDING needs a changing table in the bathroom!  It should be law!!

Another thing I've noticed is the dang car seat...some fit in shopping carts, others don't. at one reasturant it fits on the booster seats,  other reasturants it doesn't!
And when your 5 foot even like me!!! You can't see over your baby or the car seat when its in the shopping cart! I have almost ran over soooo many people at Wegmans I get dirty looks. And just the other day I was walking down the isle and boom!! Knocked  down two displays full of wind chimes!!!.... the loudest item in the store!
That time I got laughed at, no dirty looks.. it was quite funny though.

Can't they make car seats safe and CONVENIENT!!??

AND last but not least, it would be SO much easier if this world made ALL car seats with a universal base. Every base should be the same!!... but nooooo, that's how they make money.

If only everyone had "convienence" on their mind...

( I do have to give Wegmans two thumbs up for being the most convenient store I've found so far.. supplying mothers and elderly with wipes and diapers next to the baby changing station...and for FREE.) Lets just hope people don't take advantage of the stores thoughfullness and ruin it for the ones who really appreciate it.

Yay for free diapers! And lets think convenience everyone!!! :-)

First day having a baby in the house!

So today I say " it's the first day an actual baby was in the house" because Sophia has never been much of a cry-er unless she was
A.) pooping
Or
B.) Hungry....(which she's on a 4 hour feeding schedule and barley ever cries unless I let her sleep past her 4 hour feeding time.)

But today, today she cried.... and she cried!

Thursday I took her to the doctors cause she was literally pooping 8-9 times a day between the hours of 9am-6 pm...everyday for almost a week.........not normal AT ALL! Well doc says Sophia's just growing, so her pooping habits will change( which I think is a bunch of bull) but in the end I am the one who ends up leaving with a script for an antibiotic. Thank God, cause 2 days later I was miserable with a sore throat, runny nose, plugged ears and no appitite.

So the day that I start feeling better soph starts getting a really wet cough.. which freaks me out cause online "Google" :-) says to take her to the emergency room. (I didn't) but It took everything in me to not drive her in my illegal car to the hospital. So Monday she went to the doctors AGAIN and turns out she has a ear infection ( thank you mommy). So the doctor prescribes her amoxicilion, which I tell the doc my mother and her father both are deathly allergic to anything with penicilion in it. Like stop breathing, drop on the floor almost dead kind of allergic... but the wonderful doctor that she is tells me the chances of Sophia being allergic is slim and usually can't even be carried over... and that I shouldn't be worried..
So I go home give Sophia her first dose of amoxiciline and about 20 minutes later she's screaming
And wiggling like crazy!!! Her whole body is covered in a rash and she's on fire and for about an hour I couldn't get her to settle down.
Im home alone, freaking out. But happy cause she's still breathing at least... but yes, I'm cussing at the doctor in my head. Finally I put a fan on soph with a pacifier( which she hadn't had in over 48 hours cause we were breaking her pacifier habit) and she slowlllllyyyyyyyyy calms down.
So today, her ear infection must be hurting,  cause even in her sleep she was crying!!!!
seemed like every ten minutes she was waking up crying!
Once she fell a sleep for about 30 minutes I had the bright idea to make cupcakes!!!!!
As soon as I started mixing the batter together and the oven on ,she starts screaming. I'm not a multi tasker but I tried to make cup cakes and try to get her to stop crying and not be too loud cause Andy's napping.
Lets just say frosting, sprinkles, cake batter and cooking spray cover one half of the kitchen for about 2 hours. After her screaming every time I put her down and only 8 cupcakes later 
I quit making them and just poured the rest of the batter into a cake pan... took the easy way out:-).
Finally after all that's over, and its close to 8 pm... I start making dinner and she's screaming... I open the chicken I planned on cooking and it's frickin spoiled! SCREW SALMONELLA!!!
so now I'm in the worst mood I've been in since like August ( last time I seen the baby daddy) !
Lets just say I lost all my patients today... for the first time!! I even thought about throwing eggs that were right in front of me,at the wall!!
Instead I burst into tears about a half a dozen times tonight.

This Mommy has anger problems!!!
How do you guys do it!!
I was always so grateful for how calm Sophia was.....this is why god gave me such a happy baby.

Finally I can say with a grin on my face, Sophia finally has stoped crying and is sound a sleep next to me,  looking more adorable than ever:-)
And she's even in big girl PJ's ( PJ's with out Footy things)

I pray tomorrow is a much better day! And I hope she continues to start her day off with a smile, like she did this morning. My goal is to make it a morning habit!! Cause I'm grumpy pants when I wake up. She doesnt ALWAYS have to be like mommy.

<3

Improvement, on MY end!!

Since my last blog it seems like life has gotten a lot easier! I was super depressed and guilty about Sophia's birth father..... lets just say, I no longer see him in her. (Improvement) and I no longer look at her and ask myself is that his face or mine looking at me... its just me :-) 100% my child.
I knew from the start that Andrew planned on being around her forever.
And as Sophia grows Andys and her relationship is a MILLION times better than the relationship I ever had with my daddy. Which I'm so greatful that she recieves the love that she recieves from him!
SOPHIA LYN PULLAN?.... someday:-)
( that excites me more than Krystle lyn Pullan)
I can't wait to marry her daddy<3
The smile he brings to my daughters face ever time she sees him is ALMOST as good as the first time I laid eyes on my beautiful baby girl.
I can finally say I'M HAPPY! !!!!
But anyways, about my "improvement"
I'm over the fact(finally) that Sophia's not by blood, Andy's. It helps that his family is so accepting.
I started to get out more..... walks, joined the gym, tanning, and hanging out with friends and church.
I was most excited about church, I wanted so badly for Sophia to grow up in a church. I wanted her to have the same faith in God as her daddy does.
My first day going to church I thought would be peachy and relaxing. For once I wasn't scared of what people thought when the looked at me. I don't know why but I had this image in my head " church is the one place were people can't judge" " no one can hurt me at church"...
Well I was completley wrong.!!!!!
It was probably one of the worst times my insecurities actually became reality.
(It's really not that bad) I still today could cry about it though. I guess I was and still am just shocked about how blunt people can really be.
Didn't their parents teach them how to handle things appropriately!? There's a time and a place!!!
But anyways, the pew behind me was a Guy and his maybe wife or girlfriend.... I don't know... but a girl, could have been his mother.
But they were sitting behind me and Andy's dad (grandpa Pullan, to Sophia) .... the man was awe'ing at Sophia the whole hour. Well at the end of the service people are getting ready to leave and there's plenty of people introducing themselves to me and Sophia and being welcoming and NICE! Out of no where this man(man behind me) came up to me and out loud says " hi" HES NOT THE FATHER,IS HE!??" and points to Andy....mind you he doesn't introduce himself or even ask my name, to this day I have no clue who this man is.... now to anyone else your probably thinking oh my gosh krystle your a BABY! But honestly, I paused and almost started crying right there! In front of everyone!!!... it hurt! I mean I prepared myself for this ( at least tried)  and I knew some people knew  and some didn't.... and I also knew I would have to explain it.which I'm OK with!.... but I never thought someone was gunna be so blunt about it!. Like, in front of others? Really... to me he could of handled it in SO many other ways! Nicer ways! More appropriate ways!
That night I broke down crying to Andy... I finally started to be comfortable with going out and people seeing me and then this happens! I swore to him I was never going back into that church again!.....
Andy respected that.
Next Sunday comes around and Andy doesn't say a word..and his Parents didn't even ask if I was going or not( I think they knew what happened)..but I woke up, got myself and Sophia ready and we went back to church!
I'm glad and I smile at the fact that I did. I'm proud of myself for finally "improving"! And I know that's probably not going to be the last or  most difficult situation I'm going to be put in with a baby and dating a Guy who isn't the father...... wait until the day I run into the birth father some where!!!.... Oh my gosh!!!" I'm scared Sh*t less!!!!!
But that's all of my improvement for now!
Hopefully more to follow!

Hoping for the best!

I know i am not the only girl out there who's childs daddy is not their own flesh and blood.
In sophia's circumstances, it's for the better.

In my circumstances it's for the better.

All my life I've had very strong oppinions on fathers... On men in general.

I always idolized my friends relationship with their fathers.
Or if their fathers weren't in their life I thought " well at least you don't have to go threw reaccuring dissapointment"
I always knew my dads relationship and mine wasn't normal..or even good.
I dwelled over it to much.
I let it bring me down.
I set myself up for failure, myself.. Not him.
I set myself up for dissapointment.

I tried so much to change him, for his own good. I prayed for something, someone to make him open his eyes. I just wanted an effort!
As A child I grew up going to church every Sunday(on & off). My dad had his stages, for a little over a year he would be all for church and the holy father! Then he would relapse and we wouldn't step foot in a church for months.
The next time my dad wanted forgivness he would find another church, a different church than the last... We never went back to the same church. I guess he felt guilty... Or embarressed..? I don't know, he never talked to us.
Eventually I started rolling my eyes at the thought of going to church, meeting new people, knowing that soon we wouldn't ever go back to this church or ever see these people again. I started to put up a wall. I hated making friends. And I guess you could say eventually I was embarressed to!
Church no longer was fun for me..


Sophia's dad is so simular to my dad, it makes me sick! (actually he's kinda worse)
Dissapointed myself now.

You can say I'm keeping her from dissapointment. I'm keeping her from drugs, alcohol and abuse. Which i'm proud of.
He's the kind of person that comes and goes as he pleases, I won't have that in my daughters life.
Even if him and I were on speaking terms, I would never! Ever! Let her be alone... Away from me... With him. Over my dead body!

Sue me, I want what's best for my baby.
People can think I'm low for not allowing him to be in her life.
Well, he did it to himself.
He never wanted anything to do with her till now, ya see; it's convienent for him.
He has not put a single penny into this child. I don't want him to, It doesn't bother me.
What bothers me is all my life I cried over my situation with my dad. And in a way sophia's situation is worse tan mine.. I never would have imagined this.
I don't want her to think she can change her dad, honestly I hope she doesn't even bother with him once she gets older.
I hope she knows how amazing Andy is. And HE is her daddy.
The daddy that loved her and took care of her like a daddy should.
He will never dissapoint my baby girl. He will never choose drugs, alcohol, money or people over her.
I fully believe he will put her before anyone else....... And that's a DADDY.

I hope she has the kind of friends that I have..friends that can tell her.
"You don't need your biological father to have a dad. "In most situations it's probably for the better!

I hope in the future she accepts the decicions I have made. I pray she realizes she's better off without him. I cross my fingers,arms, legs, toes and eyes that she never gets Hurt from this. And that daddy(Andy) will always be there<3


-thank you Amber E for unknowingly helping me and making me think:-)..<3